Shame, Judgement, and the Comparison Trap

If you haven’t heard of Brené Brown, google her (after you are done reading this of course). She is a shame researcher who has a famous TED talk, has written several books, and recently released a Netflix special. One of the things that she discusses is shame that parents experience. Parent shaming is a real thing and it has to stop. We see parent shaming online, we see it in our schools, we see it at the grocery store, we see it on planes, and we see it in restaurants. There are many parenting styles and you don’t have to agree with all of them, but can we stop judging each other for every little thing?

While we love to give advice and tips on specific areas of raising balanced children in the 21st century, we never want to come off like we are shaming people. Our main advice is always balance. Balance means you do what you can when you can. We find that along with shame are judgment and comparison.  Neither of these are good for your health or your family’s health.

Let’s start off by talking about judgement. It is easy to judge other people. Especially if you don’t know what their day has been like. If a child is throwing a tantrum in a store, most people will immediately judge the parent for it. However, we do not know what the situation is. Perhaps the child missed their nap, maybe they are sick, or just maybe they are a child with special needs. Kids also have a mind of their own and can sometimes be unpredictable. We do not know, so we must not judge.

Shaming a parent is when you put your judgment into action and decide you want to give a parent a look, a piece of your mind, make passive aggressive comments, or even talking behind their back. Your intention is to make them feel like they are doing a bad job, being a bad parent, or have something to be ashamed of.

Before judging a parent (or anyone really) ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I know them or their situation?
  • Am I trying to help them or shame them?
  • Does it affect me?
  • Do I have good intentions?

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

The other side of judgement and shame is comparing yourself to other people. In the age of social media, we are all bombarded on a daily basis by perfection. People most often will post and share the perfect moments in their lives. The idyllic family hike, the children baking, or siblings playing happily. What is not seen are the fights, the mess, the arguments and struggles that are a part of real life. And yet, the perfection is what we compare our lives to. We feel less than because our house is a mess, we aren’t hiking, and the cake is store bought.

If you are feeling less than, then perhaps take time away from social media. Take your family to the park to play, order a pizza and have a family night in, or have game night with your children. Remind yourself that “This too shall pass,” that the messy, crazy, and hard parts of parenting are only temporary, that no family is perfect, and that all of it is okay.

We as a society have to take the mantel for ending parent shaming and judgement. It is up to us to model for our children to respect and accept others.

Avoid Summer Panic

It’s that time again where school is wrapping up and summer is knocking on the front door. Don’t let the end of school year panic get you! The end of the school year is full of exciting events such as open houses, field day, yearbook signing and graduations or promotions. It is also a time for transition. Transitions can be a scary time for some. Feelings of uncertainty and anxiety can arise when the unknown is upon us.

These feeling are true for both students and parents. You have become accustomed to the teacher, classroom, and routines of the grade, and in a few months you will have a new teacher with all the newness that comes along with a new grade. It is often around this time of year that teachers will begin receiving emails from parents asking for a meeting to discuss the next year.

Questions parents often have:

  • Is my child ready for the next grade?
  • Were they challenged enough this year?
  • Should I get tutoring over the summer?
  • What camp should I send them to?
  • Will they have friends in their class next year?
  • Who will be their teacher next year?
  • How did the year go by so fast?
  • How will I keep my child engaged this summer?

If you find these questions start popping up in your mind, that is normal. Transitions can leave you feeling powerless because you don’t have all the answers. We’re here to say that it is all going to be okay!


If you find these questions start popping up in your mind, that is normal. Transitions can leave you feeling powerless because you don’t have all the answers. Parents and guardians want the best for their children. They want to make sure that they will be able to transition an have a successful year. We’re here to say that it is all going to be okay!

As teachers we have the opportunity to see children transition into new grades every year. We’ve been in education long enough now to have the pleasure and opportunity to see our past students grow up, transition into high school, and even enter and graduate from college. We have seen a many children in our classrooms with a variety of learning styles, challenges, and successes and every single one of them have transitioned, matured, grown up, and learned in school. And while we cannot say that these students road was 100% perfect, we can say that they are doing well and thriving in their own unique ways. Which is why we would like to say to parents of elementary school age children, “Everything is going to be ok!”

We’d like to offer some advice for parents and guardians, in case you begin to feel anxious about the end of the year and transition into the next grade.

What to do:

  • Let your child be where they are. Had there been any challenges or issues their teacher would have already met with you about it.
  • Be proud that your child learned so much in another school year.
  • Look at the maturity and growth of the whole child that occurred during the whole year, not just academics
  • Ask the teacher if there is anything that your child should review over summer. This could something simple, but it could also be nothing at all and that is totally fine too.
  • Enjoy the rest and relaxation that comes with summer vacation.

What not to do:

  • DON’T wait till the end of the year to bring up a year long issue for the first time
  • DON’T put your child in summer tutoring unless it is actually needed or it is a passion for them
  • DON’T compare your child’s progress to others
  • DON’T gossip about which teachers are “good” or “bad”
  • DON’T believe other people’s experience with a certain teacher, you might have a completely different one

Endings and transitions can be anxiety provoking. The end of a school year panic is real, and we completely understand these feelings. However, as parents and guardian try to trust that the teachers and the school have your child’s best interest in mind. While you have a sun-filled summer vacation, the school and faculty will make sure that the transition into the following year is smooth and successful!