Sharing Report Cards with Kids

It is common for most schools to send home some sort of report card to parents. The question many parents have asked us over the years is: Should I share this report card with my child? Ultimately that is going to be a personal preference. Depending on the student’s age, understanding of report cards, and their social emotional development, there are appropriate things to share with your child. However, what we feel is more important is HOW you talk to your children about report cards.

We want to give some helpful ways on how to talk about report cards with your child. As we wrote last week, report cards aren’t the end all be all. They are one form of communication. Report cards show one snapshot of your child as a student. Teachers all know kids are more than a grade!

Don’t Compare Your Child to Others

All children are different. They have their own unique sets of strengths and challenges. If your oldest child excelled in reading and your youngest has found it to be challenging that is ok because they are two different people. Parents should not assume that a child will earn or receive the same grade or report as a sibling. It is not a good idea to compare them. Every child is different and as such, their grades and report cards will be and should be different. Focus on each child’s unique set of strengths and challenges.

Ask Your Child’s Perspective on their Strengths and Challenges

By third grade most students have an understanding of report cards or grades. They know that teachers report to the parents their strengths and challenges and that sometimes this is in a form of grades or a narrative. Asking them what they think they’ve excelled at and what they need to work on would be beneficial. Some children may be too harsh on themselves or have an overly positive idea of themselves, but most of the time students will know that they need to work on spelling, reading, math, or focusing in class. Asking them their thoughts could lead to a conversation about ways they can improve in areas and how proud you are of their efforts.

Discuss Strategies for Improvement

If you decide to share the report card with your child, it would be helpful to discuss with them ways to help them grow and improve in the areas that they might need to work on. This could include strategies like a tally chart on desk, emailing the teacher on Fridays, sticker charts, reminders in their folders, or extra practice. Getting them involved in this strategy development allows them to take ownership of their own growth and have more investment in the plan. Children, especially in the middle elementary years, are better able to understand and communicate their thoughts and opinions about what helps them the best, therefore we believe it is a smart idea to include them in the conversation.

Focus on Progress and Growth Mindset

We like to say “practice makes progress,” in our classrooms. No one is perfect and everyone has something they are working on, and that is OKAY. The most important thing is that when the going gets tough we have grit and a growth mindset. The power of “yet,” is very helpful for children. Using these phrases and ideas might be helpful when discussing their report cards.

Tell Them You are Proud of Them

At the end of the day, each and every elementary school child needs to know and believe that grades are not the most important thing. Their effort and growth in school and on the playground with their friends, and being a kind respectful person are the most important things. Letting them know the areas that they have done well in or that they have improved on gives children a sense of pride and accomplishment. It fills their bucket, so that they build up a sense that they can indeed persevere. Gaining self confidence will help them throughout their educational careers.

What are some things you have found to be helpful when talking to kids about report cards?

Parent Involvement

Unlike any other time in history, parents have access to so much information on parenting and children. They want to make sure that they are doing a good job as parents and that their children are thriving. To do so, many parents are incredibly involved in every aspect of their child’s life. Some researchers call this style of parenting “intensive parenting,” and it is a common form of parenting among upper-middle-class households. According to an article in The Atlantic, intensive parenting includes “Supervised, enriching playtime. Frequent conversations about thoughts and feelings. Patient, well-reasoned explanations of household rules. And extracurriculars. Lots and lots of extracurriculars.”

There does seem to be some positives in this style of parenting, and we understand why many aspire to achieve this level of involvement in parenting. However, as we have written in previous posts before, our jobs as parents and teachers is to raise and educate children who will grow up to be strong, resilient, balanced, well adjusted adults. As you can probably imagine, living a life where your parents constantly step in to solve all troubles, problems, or issues as a child causes some trouble as children grow into adulthood.

This level of parental involvement has begun to reach the business sector as young adults begin their careers. In the New York Times Article When Helicopter Parents Hover, Even at Work, “Within that group of employers, more than 30 percent reported parents submitting a résumé for their children; 15 percent reported fielding complaints from a parent when the company didn’t hire their child; and nearly 10 percent said parents had insinuate themselves into salary and benefit negotiations.” These parents are submitting resumes for, sitting in on interviews, and calling employers on behalf of their adult child to negotiate salaries and promotions. It sounds absurd, but it is happening today.Adults have to be responsible for a variety of things and life is full of surprises, conflicts, and obstacles that they have to navigate and work with. Unless children learn how to deal with and work through the bumps in the road then they will not know how to do this as adults. Thus they will have to rely on parents to continue to solve issues for them.

During childhood, intensive parenting includes constant communication with teachers, yearning to know every little thing that happens in class, supervising all recreational activities, scheduling and attending all extra curricular activities, and wanting to control every social situation that their child encounters. Again, we wholeheartedly understand why this appeals to parents. Parents are charged with caring for and raising someone who is quite literally the sun and the moon to them. We get it. They want to make sure that their child is doing fine, is happy, and thriving across all situations. But if an adult is always present in the life of a child doing everything for them, solving all their conflicts, and speaking on their behalf, then how will the child learn conflict resolution, coping mechanisms, responsibility, and independence that they will need as adults? Children will grow up, and it is up to us to teach them the tools to use when they reach adulthood. If we, as parents and teachers don’t do this, then we have failed them.

Here are a few things we can do as parents and teachers to help our children develop the tools they will need as adults.

1) Let children attempt to solve their social conflicts

Social dynamics are hard for everyone. Children will struggle with friendships and collaboration. That is normal. Before you step in and take charge of a situation, allow your child to try to talk it out with their peers. Children are very good about speaking about their feelings with others, listening to each other, and mediating conflicts. They might need a mediator, so you can let the teacher, coach, or counselor know in case they are needed. Letting children talk, and figure out social dynamics with their friends on their own might be uncomfortable for them, but it’ll help them gain the experience to be able to navigate social dynamics as they grow into adulthood. Not all relationships are perfect, and they need to learn how to navigate them.

2) Give children free unplanned time

21st century children are constantly being stimulated by technology, intensive reading programs, flash cards, and many extracurricular classes. This is so much so, that many children often struggle with being bored. They do not know what to do when they have nothing to do. Sometimes it is good to not have a schedule, plan, or device readily available. Giving children some time to do whatever they want will help develop their creativity and bring balance in their life. We highly recommend it!

3) Teach children to talk to the teacher themselves

Children as young as 5 can, and should, speak up for themselves. If there is an issue in the classroom, let your child talk to the teacher. If they have a question about an assignment, don’t understand a concept, would like to discuss their grade, or would like to share a thought or opinion, encourage them to speak to their teacher.  If they are on the younger side, we recommend an email before hand or as a follow up to make sure that they did indeed speak to the teacher and what the conversation yielded. However, having children stand up for themselves allows them to learn how to speak to authority figures. So that when they grow up, they are able able to speak, negotiate, and stand up for themselves in the workforce.

Of course we are firm believers in balance. Although children need to learn the tools to collaborate, resolve conflicts, speak up for themselves, and be independent by trying, and possibly failing, with using different techniques, they will still need parent and teacher support to guide them. We also understand that children need support from the caregivers in their lives. Parents can always communicate to teachers and let them know that they want to partner with them to help support their child in learning independence and responsibility. Teachers are always willing to partner in this endeavor, as it is their goal too.

Resources:

Social Class, Gender, and Contemporary Parenting

Being left out hurts: Moms, stop ‘social engineering’

‘Intensive’ Parenting Is Now the Norm in America

http://ceri.msu.edu/publications/pdf/ceri2-07.pdf

Parent-Teacher Conferences

Parent-teacher conferences are an important piece in the communication between teachers and parents. Meeting face to face is an excellent way to connect and continue to foster a positive relationship. Conferences are intended to give space for teachers to discuss goals and growths that they have seen in the student that year AND it is a way for parents to tell about what they have seen in their child’s growth as well. Over the years we have had many different experiences with parent-teacher conferences. We have had wonderful ones that left both parents and teachers validated and valued. We have also had some on the other end that didn’t go quite as planned. We came up with some great things to consider for a productive parent-teacher conference.

Teachers are on Your Side

Teachers genuinely care about the children they teach. Especially the ones that are struggling. It is never easy to point out challenges, weaknesses, or concerns that we have. Just know that we aren’t judging you or your child in a negative way. We are on your side, we want what is best for your child. A big part of our job is to set each and every child up for success. We don’t expect every child to be perfect and we understand that everyone is working on something. If your child is having difficulty with reading, that is not your fault. Nor is it your fault if they need extra support in math. It simply means that your child might need a different learning plan. If a teacher takes the time to do this, it means they see your child and understand what they need to be successful.

Arrive on Time and Respect the Time Limit

Most parent-teacher conferences have an allotted time. They can be anywhere from 10-30 minutes. When you have a scheduled conference it is important to be on time. If you are running late, be sure to stick to the allotted time schedule. If you need more time, it is perfectly okay to reschedule another meeting. Typically teachers are meeting with over 20 sets of parents and often conferences are scheduled back to back, so it is important to not run into the next meeting. When conferences go over, it puts the teacher in an awkward position with the following conference. No one wants to start off a meeting with bad juju!

Ask About Social Questions

Often times, the bulk of a conference is related directly to academics. Of course it is important to know reading level, math assessments, writing goals and if your child knows how to spell challenging words. Academics is what is associated with school, but school is also the place where children are learning how to socialize with others. It is where they test things out and explore different friendship dynamics. Children might need support socially, and knowing the answers to these questions could help you support your children and help them grow. Here are some great questions to ask your child’s teachers:

  • How does my child work in groups?
  • Are they collaborative?
  • Do they share with others?
  • Are they respectful towards adults?
  • Do they have friends?

Ask if Your Child is Happy

Elementary school should be a fun and engaging place. If your child is not happy, then you need to figure out why. There will come a point in your child’s life where school will become difficult and challenging (in a good way). In order to help them develop the skills to persevere and overcome these challenges, they need to have a foundation where they believe that education is important and fun. They need to understand the value of school. Having this foundation will help them when the going gets tough.

Communicate any Struggles you See at Home

If your child is struggling with something at home, it is important to communicate that to your child’s teacher. It is likely that these struggles are also showing up in the classroom. If you work together to tackle the challenge, it will make a huge difference. Understanding your child’s struggles will give you the knowledge and power to support them where they need it. Sharing that responsibility will create a village of people to support your child.

Disagree Respectfully

If for some reason you are not on the same page as your child’s teacher and the meeting is no longer productive, take a break and reschedule at a later time. It can be hard to get your point across when you are angry or upset. Gather your thoughts, make a list, try to get to the bottom of why you are upset. If you feel that your child is not being seen or understood, it is okay to express that in a respectful way.

Even if you don’t always agree with your child’s teacher, always be kind to them. They show up everyday to teach other people’s children. Regardless of differing views, you should never talk poorly about a teacher to a child. It is equally important to respect them in front of your children. If a child is hearing and seeing negative behavior toward a teacher, they will sure enough model that behavior at school. At the end of the day, you aren’t going to be in love with every single one of your child’s teachers. Being able to get along with a teacher that you don’t always agree with is going to teach your child a greater lesson about life. It will teach them to be respectful to all people. And you never know, maybe a teacher that seemed to be hard on your child at first, could turn out to be just what they needed to help them grow.

What are some things that you have found helpful during Parent-Teacher Conferences?