How to Help an Overly Dependent Child

If you have read our past posts you will have noted that we are big proponents of independence and responsibility. Developing these skills can boost children’s confidence and will give them the tools that they need in school, in life, and later on as adults. When these skills aren’t developed, challenges can arise that impede them from developing into self-sufficient adults. 

A recent trend that we have noticed is overly dependent children. In these instances, children have a hard time trying things on their own, they give up rather quickly, and they immediately ask for help from an adult. In the classroom, these students tend to interrupt lessons or directions being given by the teacher because they fear not knowing what to do or getting it wrong. Even when it is a simple task, they might immediately raise their hand and ask for help because they lack confidence in themselves. Other signs of an overly dependent child, is when children don’t try new things and won’t attempt a problem, project, or activity if they do not have an adult nearby to ask help from. They fear taking risks because they are uncomfortable with not knowing if they will succeed. 

Children adapt to their environment and if adults in their life do everything for them, they begin to rely on that and become overly dependent. They know that someone will come and “rescue” them so they learn that they don’t need to try on their own. This is a challenge in a classroom where a teacher or two have to teach, lead, and support many children. 

Not to worry, it’s never too late to implement strategies if your child has become overly-dependent. Here are some things that can help make a difference:

Let them answer their own questions

If you notice your child asks you questions for everything, you can turn it back on them and guide them in a way that will help them get to the answer on their own. Asking questions like “What do you think?” or “How do you think we can figure that out?” This can help empower children and help them develop self-efficacy. 

Be patient

In the moment it might seem easier to complete a task for your child. A little patience and time can be extremely beneficial. When children learn to do things for themselves they develop high self-efficacy and become empowered.

Let them do their homework independently

When working in the classroom students are expected to complete their work independently. Teachers walk around and assist as needed, but they do not sit with only one child, if you sit with your child and complete their homework with them, they get used to having an adult nearby. Set up an area where they can work independently and you can support as needed.

Practice listening

When your child comes to you with a problem, you don’t always have to fix it. Be there to listen and ask questions, but don’t feel you have to rescue them all the time. When children learn to solve age appropriate problems on their own, it will equip them with the tools to solve bigger problems later on.

If you have gotten used to over-functioning for your child, it can be hard to make changes, it might get worse before it gets better, but it will be very beneficial in the long run to give your child space to grow. It can help to make gradual changes to help your child become more independent.

6 Ways to Help with Perfectionism

One of the many interesting things about teaching is the wide spectrum of students in our classroom. They are so uniquely themselves in so many areas. Take work habits for example, we might have students who rush to get things done, others get distracted by their peers, and others who consistently go above and beyond expectations. And in every class that we have ever had, we always have at least one student who is hindered to complete their projects or work by their own perfectionism. 

These students have such an extremely high expectation on themselves across everything that they do. They struggle when they cannot spell a word correctly, the picture is not drawn as if an artist who has drawn for years has drawn it, the lines are not perfectly straight, or their penmanship is not perfectly neat. They often erase obsessively, fall behind others as they attempt to have precise work, crumple their papers, and start projects over and over again. While we have to push others to be more diligent and put more effort into their work, with these students we have to encourage them to move forward and to not be so hard on themselves.

In addition because of their perfectionist, these students are less likely to try something that they might not be good at. They don’t like the feeling of failure, thus they stick to the things that they know they are good at. When they struggle with something challenging they often become anxious, frustrated, and give up. They are unwilling to take a risk.

If you have a child that tends to be more of a perfectionist, below are 6 ways that you can help them  . . . 

1. Make mistakes. Children learn from observing the adults in their life. Model mistakes for them. We will make mistakes on worksheets, directions, or lesson slides. When they catch them, and they always do, we simply respond with, “Oops! I tried my best, but I am not perfect. No one is perfect.” Throughout the year we model our imperfections and the kids catch on that our class is a place where mistakes are ok.

2. Focus on the process not the end result. When they bring back work or projects, ask them about the process. How did they feel about it? Did they have fun making it? Try not to point out their mistakes or praise the final product. Avoid words and phrases such as “genius” or “you’re so smart.” This can make children believe that they have to be those things. When you focus on how hard a child worked vs. how smart they are, you are helping them develop a growth mindset. They start to realize they can accomplish hard things by persevering. It can open up a whole new world for children.

3. Distinguish between things that are ok being messy and things that should be neater or requires more effort. Sometimes kids cannot distinguish between the two, and with us pointing it out, they can begin to see when they need to put more time into a project and when they don’t. Not every single assignment or project requires students to go above and beyond. 

4. Read biographies of people who made mistakes or failed multiple times, and who still made a difference in our world. The Who Was Series is a great biographical series for kids to help them see that people that we really look up to made mistakes in order to accomplish great things.

5. Give them chances to fail. Let your child experience failure. Enroll them in a new sport, instrument, or STEM class. Play games with them where they lose and fail. More experience with the feelings of failure will be helpful to them. 

6. Tell them how much you love them and care for them even when they make mistakes. You might think they know this, but sometimes they don’t. We are not our work and It’s important that children understand their work doesn’t make them more or less valued. Their capabilities don’t make them more or less valued. 

When you notice that a student or child is showing signs of perfectionism, it is important to give them strategies to deal with it. Perfectionism in childhood can lead to more severe things later in life like social anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

5 Ways to Build Confident Kids

This week we wanted to offer some tips that we have used in our classes to build confidence in children. Every school year we have students who struggle with confidence. This low confidence in themselves can affect their ability to learn and complete their assignments. Not because of their ability, but because they are less likely to attempt problems on their own, problem solve, or give up easily. We work very hard throughout the year to build these students’ confidence in themselves, and it makes us so happy to see them gain confidence and become more independent. 

This topic relates to last week’s post on independence. While confidence is interconnected with independence, and we touched a little bit on it last week, we wanted to elaborate more on simple techniques you can use to help build or restore your child’s confidence.

Before we do that, we want to clarify the difference between confidence and arrogance. The two often walk a fine line, and it can be a little tricky to distinguish between the two.

Confidence comes from being secure with who you are and what you can do.

Arrogance comes from insecurities and the need to feel better than other people. 

We want to teach kids to work hard, develop skills that will help them follow through with projects and goals, and be resilient when things go wrong. Developing confidence doesn’t mean they get a trophy for every little thing, have unrealistic ideas of what they are capable of, or make others feel less than. It means internally they are able to take risks and not be overly concerned with what others think. 

Below are five ways to build children’s confidence that are easy to incorporate into your parenting style. These are things we do on a daily basis in our class to help our students feel confident and proud of themselves. 

1.Mistakes

You will hear us say making mistakes is the answer to so many things. Because it is! “Mistakes are proof that you are trying” is our motto! Letting kids know that making mistakes is ok, normal, something everyone does, and that they should not feel bad about making them will help them internalize that mistakes are part of the process and they don’t define who they are. Being confident means you can make mistakes and understand that it’s how you handle the mistake that matters. 

2. Avoid Comparison

We need to teach kids to compare themselves to who they were yesterday not to other children. It starts by modeling this behavior. As adults, we shouldn’t be comparing kids (especially siblings) OR ourselves to others. We should always set realistic goals for ourselves, but not base them on those around us. There is a difference between getting inspired by someone and wanting to be better than someone.

3. Encouragement 

Keep a healthy balance with encouragement and not overly praising children. With too much praise, children start to rely on your constant approval. When school work comes home focus on what they did right and how much they have improved in an area, try not to zoom in on mistakes or grades. If you notice your child always asking if you “like” something they did, turn it back to them to see if they like it, or ask them to tell you how they thought of it. But of course recognize when your child has been working hard at something! 

4. Independence

When kids know they can do something on their own, it helps build confidence. Age appropriate choices, chores, and responsibilities are great confidence builders. See our previous post for more tips on how to build independence. 

5. Teach Empathy

Find ways to help other people. There are so many children who are making the world better, and helping our children see that they can too will not only build their confidence but make them feel good on the inside. It could be having your child go through their toys to donate to a cause, or getting involved in a local community service project. It is empowering for kids to know that they can make a difference. Check out this TedTalk or the books of Kids Who are Changing the World (and You Should Meet)  and Kids Who are Changing the World Who are Changing the World and share it with your child to inspire them to get started. 

Back to School for Parents

Back to school can be an exciting time for parents! After busy summers of mom camps, dad camps, crafts, park play dates, swimming, and adventuring it could be a relief to get back to the school year routine. 

We have some great tips and reminders to help parents ease back into the school year and help develop a great partnership with your child’s teacher. 

Respect boundaries of the classroom. It is important to learn what rules your child’s teacher sets up to help run a smooth class. Each teacher has their own rules routines and procedures, and the ones that applied last year might not be the same this year. This could include how to set up conferences, volunteering, email, pick up and drop off. Some routines and procedures are school wide, some are grade level, and others are individual teacher’s.  While we are sure that most teachers (unless it is not allowed at their school) welcome parents to volunteer to be part of the classroom community, it’s important to follow protocol. It can be disruptive to the lessons and work being done in the classroom to have parents dropping in every morning or during unplanned times throughout the day without having prior knowledge of it. 

We would like to pay special attention to the fact that it is so incredibly important for the development of your child to have their own space and place. Children as young as kindergarten can and should walk into their classrooms independently while carrying their own supplies. The sense of responsibility that they gain from this small act alone is HUGE. If you are itching to get into the classroom, find out the appropriate volunteer times and sign up or email the teacher to ask when the best time to stop by and look at the projects or bulletin boards would be.

Find out the best way to communicate with your child’s teacher and follow that. Many times teachers are juggling many things at once and if a parent has “one quick thing” to tell you right as you are greeting your students, teaching a lesson, or supervising children at dismissal, it can be very overwhelming. Teachers always want to give parents their full attention and when kids are present, they are our top priority. It is always best to find out the best way to communicate and follow that protocol. Typically it is sending an email, or setting up a meeting if you have something you want to discuss. Finally, remember that teachers are usually teaching or preparing to teach all day, they often do not have the luxury of time to respond to emails immediately, so try to give them at least 24 hours to respond to you.

Hold your child accountable for remembering homework, sweatshirts, lunches, and projects. Do your best to not jump in and save them everytime they forget something. Children will learn more from the natural consequences of forgetting something, than they will if you bring what they have forgotten to them. It will give you some relief too, to know that you aren’t responsible for midday drop offs to your child. Of course if it is an emergency, it is completely understandable, but it should be the exception, not the rule. The learning experience of forgetting something and not having it, holds a lot more value. 

Let your child experience discomfort when they make a mistake at school. If your child does something that is out of character, try your best not to make excuses for them. Hold them responsible for the mistake and move on. Making an excuse for your child will not help them learn, it will help justify their actions. Every child makes mistakes. It is a healthy part of development. We always tell parents that school is not just a place to learn math, reading, and writing. School is where children learn how to be members of society. If your child never learns about consequences and accountability, it could create bigger problems later. The most important part about making mistakes is how it is dealt with after the fact. 

We hope that the transition from summer into a new school year is a smooth one for both you and your child. However if it isn’t, remember that children need to experience discomfort in order to learn how to deal with things that will come up in their life. Talking to your child’s teacher to come up with a plan for your child will help everyone be on the same page and help your child transition into a new school year. 

Summer STEAM Activities

Projects that incorporate science, technology, engineering, arts, and math are not only good for children’s development, but they can be so much fun. 

We have noticed in our classrooms how much our students love these projects and how they allow them to have more ownership over their own learning. We often connect lessons and standards with STEM or STEAM projects. These help them develop a love for learning, helps with problem solving skills, and gets them to express their creativity. 

Summer is a great time to do some STEM and STEAM projects with your child. With more time on our hands and less stress, these projects are one way to enrich learning over the summer. You can go beyond the practice sheets and get your child really interested in learning through hands on activities. 

Checkout some more great STEAM projects we found for summer!

Summer Steam Projects

Free Summer STEM 

Ice Cream in a Bag

Awesome Engineering Activities for Kids

STEAM Lab

Little Bins for Little Hands

A great way to integrate STEAM projects is through literature. You are all aware by now how important we believe reading to be for a child. You can read a book together with them or have your child read the book to you. After the reading portion, challenge them with a STEAM project. 

The Three Little Pigs: An Architectural Tale  is a great book to read. After Reading it, you could challenge your child to build a house that could withstand a wolf huffing and puffing (or your blow dryer).

The Most Magnificent Thing is all about creativity. After reading this book you can have you child create their very own most magnificent thing.

Ada Twist, Scientist Students love science experiments. A great one to do over the summer when it is hot and you can go outside is the rainbow geyser experiment.

Rosie Revere Engineer is one of our favorite STEM books. After reading this book your child can build their own hovercraft.

Like these, there are many other books that connect literature to STEAM. After you have done one of these projects, you can extend the learning by having your child reflect in writing on their process. What would they do different? What would they do the same? What worked? What did not work? Did they enjoy the project and why or why not? This allows them to practice their writing skills and reflect on what they did. 

Summer review does not have to be all worksheets. Through STEM and STEAM projects, children can practice academic skills and enjoy themselves while doing it, after all learning should be fun. And what better time for fun learning than summer time?

A huge thing right now is monthly subscription boxes. If you are looking to make these projects a regular occurrence around your house, we found a list of STEAM boxes here for kids that would be a hit in any house.

Fun Summer Activities

Last week we wrote about what academics you could review with your child over summer vacation. We thought we would follow that up with activities you could do with your child that are both fun and educational. Often times the learning that children remember the most are the ones that are hands on and fun. Summer vacation is a great time to do things with your child to engage them and create long lasting memories. Below are some of the activities that you could do with your child over summer vacation.

FUN, EDUCATIONAL, and HEALTHY things to do:

1) Visit Museums- Children love museums because they are curious about the world around them. Museums also offer a nice cool place to visit during the hot summer days. Most museums have kid sections and/or activities. You could bring notebooks and pencils and have children sketch or take notes at different exhibits. Many museums offer free tickets for children, we suggest you call and ask or check their websites.  

2) Volunteer- Teaching children to give back to their community is important. Children absolutely love helping others, and volunteering their time is the perfect activity for children. Volunteer Match helps match you with different organizations that need volunteers nearby. Habitat for Humanity has opportunities for children of all ages to volunteer. If your child is an animal lover then The Human Society is a great organization to look into for volunteer opportunities.

3) Use Chalk or Bubbles- It does not matter how old children are, from kindergarten to 5th grade, children love bubbles and chalk. We’ve made soapy bubble water with dish detergent in a bucket and used ropes to make huge bubbles. It was a hit with our classes, and the children did not want to stop making huge bubbles. Using chalk to draw, spell words, or make a game is another great activity to do on summer days. You could practice sight words, math facts, or just let them be creative.

3) Visit the Library- Most libraries have a children’s area with picture and chapter books. They usually also have story time where the librarian reads books to children. If you or your child are at a loss about what to read during the summer, the librarians might also have suggested summer reading lists based on grades or ages. Reading is one of the most important thing that you can do with your child to promote fluency, vocabulary, and reading comprehension, so going to the library and checking out books is a really good idea.

4) Go on a Nature Walk- This can be a local hike, park, beach, or even just a walk around the block. You can have your child collect leaves, rocks, sticks or petals and then have them create a collage, sketch them out, or write descriptively about what they collected.

5) Visit a Beach, River, or Lake- This one might be easier for those of us who live near a body of water, but if you are able to find a beach, river, or lake then you could learn about landforms first, and then go and enjoy a day at one of them.

6) Cook a meal together- Cooking with your child can promote health, togetherness, and also can incorporate math and science. During the school year cooking together might be more difficult between homework, practices, and work. During summer, this is a great way to engage your child’s senses and get them to be more adventurous about food.

7) Visit Nature Centers- Check out your local nature centers. They are usually free and might offer a nearby hike.

8) Have Lunch Outdoors at a Park- This is a great, inexpensive way to get out of the house and spend the afternoon in nature. This is also something you can do last minute. Pack a lunch and find a local park! Bring books to read, games to play, or just sit and enjoy nature.

9) Go Camping- while this takes a little more planning and organizing, it is a great way to spend a long weekend. Put down the screens and spend some time disconnected. According to the Child Mind Institute, the average American child spends 4 to 7 minutes having unstructured play outside while they spend over 7 hours on a screen. If your child learns to appreciate nature early on, we believe they will become more balanced.

10) Go on Bike Rides- this can be something that is done as a family. Instead of sitting around the TV after dinner, grab your bikes and go for a quick family bike ride. You can even ride your bike to grab an ice cream, or ride to a local restaurant.

We understand that not every single hour of the day will be filled with one of these things. Kids need to learn to be bored, how to entertain themselves, and the adults in their lives don’t need to feel obligated to spend every waking hour entertaining their children. Parents have a lot to do, and they need balance too. We do believe that providing space for children to participate in these types of activities will help them become more balanced and want to make healthier choices when they do have free time.

Some of these activities cost money and some are free. Most cities have events pages as well that you can find free events happening in your city. If you live the Los Angeles are here are some resources to find local events:

https://www.laparent.com/

https://www.discoverlosangeles.com/events

https://www.laweekly.com/

Teacher Appreciation Week

This week is Teacher Appreciation week! Appreciation of the hard work that teachers do every day is near and dear to our hearts. Teachers are doing very important work in society, and often can feel undervalued and overwhelmed. While it would be ideal to appreciate teachers all year long, it is nice to have a reminder and an entire week dedicated to appreciating teachers.

Ultimately the best way that society can appreciate teachers is with:

1) Support for students

2) Respectable compensation

2) Smaller class sizes

3) Resources and supplies for classes

4) Societal respect

These are our hopes and dreams for the teaching profession! We understand that these might be a bit difficult to accomplish this week, but a teacher can dream! We hope that one day teachers all over the country have these things.

But seriously, we thought we would offer some realistic ways to appreciate the teacher in your life this week.

1) A handwritten card from students

2) Small treats to keep in the desk

3) Coffee or tea

4) Flowers for their desks

5) Verbal affirmation or a positive email

6) A positive email to their supervisor

7) A bottle of wine

These are all little things that go a long way in making a teacher feel appreciated and supported. While we keep fighting for the top four, it is good to feel like we have people supporting and appreciating the work we do!
We also found this great resource with everything you need to appreciate your teachers or even plan events to appreciate teachers at your school!